I’m Not a Failure

Last fall, I had to resign from teaching due to my complicated migraines. I had five years under my belt, and I had finally figured out the nitty-gritty aspects of teaching. When tropical storm Hermine came through Fayetteville (where I was living at the time), however, the sudden drastic drop in barometric pressure sent me into one of my more severe complicated migraine attacks—the kind that takes several weeks to a few months to recover from. I had a decision to make: Do I continue to leave everyone in a state of uncertainty, or do I resign and give my students the chance for a more dependable education? In my mind, there was only one fair option, and I decided to resign. My decision created a whole new set of problems. What will I do now? Did I just give up, or did I really make the wisest decision?

My decision also brought feelings of shame, worthlessness, and failure. As I thought about these feelings and sorted them out in my journal, I had a thought. In whose eyes am I failure? Who was I letting define “success” for me? Having a good job, making money, being able to pay my bills without help, living independently—these are the world’s definition of success. I had to remind myself of what God requires of me, and He tells me in Micah 6:8, “He hath [shown] thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?” This is all that God asks of me. True success is not being financially independent; true success is being fair and kind to others and obeying God in humble submission.

Jesus Himself reiterated this same point in Matthew 22:37-40:

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Jesus doesn’t say that in order to be successful you need to have a healthy savings account and a nice car and a nice house. In fact, earlier in Matthew He says, “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me” (Matthew 19:21). This goes directly against the world’s view of success, so it’s no wonder that my lack of those things caused me to feel like a failure. I have to remember, though, that the world’s definition of success is not God’s definition of success. The apostle Paul states it well: “Do I now [seek the favor of] men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

Being a failure in God’s eyes, then, would be to be selfish and bitter. If I let these horrible migraines make me angry at God and the world, then I would be a failure. If I avoid becoming bitter but focus on me and what I want or need all the time, then I would be a failure. This is what I should be fighting against.

So, yes, resigning was not my first choice. However, God is the one who has brought my complicated migraines into my life, and He has done so for a reason. I may never know what that reason is, but I do know that I am not a failure because of the limitations put on me by my migraines.

Over six months later, I still battle these same feelings of worthlessness and failure as I now seek a new job in a new field. I’ve memorized Micah 6:8, though, to help remind myself of what true success and failure are. As long as I am seeking to serve God and be a blessing and encouragement to others in spite of this difficulty, I am not a failure.

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