HM Pride

I’ve noticed something about myself recently: I am proud of my chronic illness. I don’t mean “proud of” as a parent is proud of a child. I mean I take pride in being disabled, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Let me say it this way: I feel that my disability qualifies me for special treatment and attention, and I am not happy when I do not get it. This is pride, and it is wrong.

This attitude essentially says, “I am better then you because I have a physical struggle, so you need to give me preferential treatment.” This is thinking more highly of myself than I ought to think. This is putting myself and my needs before those of others. This is loving myself. This is wrong. When I find myself thinking this way, there are some things I need to remember.

First, I need to remember Paul’s instructions in Philippians 2:3—“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory [selfish conceit]; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” One of the areas in which I find I have been thinking more highly of myself than I ought is in my conversations with other people. I’ve noticed that I will allow conversations that start with “How are you?” to stay on me and my progress with my HM, and I very rarely show an interest in the other person. Part of counting others as more significant than myself is showing an interest in them and paying attention to them. I’m not doing that if all I talk about with other people is my disability. I’m not doing that if I allow my conversations with others to remain on me. What Paul is saying in Philippians 2:3 is that I need to focus on the other person, not on myself. So, I’ve decided that in the future I will respond to the “How are you?” question honestly yet quickly, and then ask a question about the interests of the person I am talking to so that I will not allow the conversation to stay on me (those who see me around know that I’m not perfect in this; it’s a work in progress).

Second, I need to remember Jesus’ summary of all of the commandments in the Bible: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-40). Jesus presupposes that we already love ourselves and tells us that we need to love God and others more.

What does that look like with a chronic illness? Well, it looks like spending time getting to know my God by reading His Word, His letter to me, and responding to Him in prayer—and with my HM, I sometimes have a lot of time to do this, yet I usually waste that time. Loving God also looks like prioritizing my life so that His priorities are my priorities (and obviously, I have failed since I waste so much time).

I can show love for others by showing an interest in them by asking questions, taking the time to write a quick note/email/text, praying for them. There are so many things I can do for others even with my chronic illness, yet I get so wrapped up in my illness because it is such a huge part of my life that I neglect to show true Christ-like love for others.

These aren’t real profound thoughts in and of themselves, but these two things make all the difference in my thinking. At least, they have recently. I hope they are good reminders for you, too.

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